Dear men on dating websites,
Thought I’d help you out by telling you what not to do. (NB: all quotes are from REAL profiles I clicked on.)
For example, DON’T:
1. Post a picture of yourself in a tank top.
2. List the first thing that you want is something who is “attractive, cute, sexy.” News flash, looks fade.
3. Explain, “Every application sent my way will get carefully evaluated. All potential Wifeys’ CUM on down.” Uh, what? There’s so many things wrong with that statement, I don’t even know where to start.
4. When asked what your ideal relationship is say, “Now leave me alone, no more annoying questions.” Do you REALLY think I want to date you when you say that after being asked by the dating website about your perfect relationship? I can’t even imagine what you’d say when I ask your astrological sign!
5. Make your profile name “MikeHunt.” That’s horrible and disgusting.
6. Tell me that you “will try to pay attention to you.” I’ll try to never click on you again. It’ll be a struggle, I’m sure.
7. Put that your perfect first date” Would be with Jessica Biel.” Thanks, but no thanks.
8. Try to explain “Also I have been told many times I look better in person then photos.” What am I supposed to think when I read that?
9. Make dumb spelling mistakes, “Love being a bumb on rainy days.” It’s not a hard word to spell; “…getting to know the person your with.” USE THE RIGHT FORM OF YOU’RE. Now, that’s a dealbreaker.
10. Wants a girl who “is girly and has cute pink bedtime shorts.” Yeah, I’ll get right on that. What?
11. State that in an ideal relationship you need me to be “opened, passionate, and have great sex! – I’ll settle for just the third.” I’ll settle for no. Also, check your grammar! (see: 9)
12. Say anything like “my mom says I’m a good catch.” Your mom is paid to say that.
13. This one gets straight to the point,” What Not to expect from me: head games, alcoholism.” Phew, I was wondering about that when I clicked on your profile. Sort of an odd thing to point out.
14. Refer to me, the female reader, as “hun,” or “sweetie.” It’s belittling, no?
15. Post a picture of the back of your head. We get it, you’re not going bald at 25.
These are just a sampling of the insanity that’s on these dating websites. How am I supposed to take these websites seriously with men like these out there?
What’s the funniest/weirdest/oddest thing you’ve seen on an internet dating profile?