Here’s the thing I love about keeping this blog: I love the comments from my readers. So, when I received two very thought provoking comments yesterday, I took some time, alone, to contemplate, think, and analyze what these comments mean to me. I love this blog because sometimes, the truth really does come out in writing. For example, looking over my entries about MusicTeach, I get a better sense of how weird the whole situation was, whereas at the time I was sort of wrapped up in it. So, I really do take to heart the comments and suggestions that my readers take the time out to leave.
I can totally understand how the post, Miss March’s Newest Revelations, came off as me sounding dependent, not over Adama, and not ready to really be with other men, however I think it also was sort of a post written in a time of haste, confusion, and frustration. I do agree with both commenters in that I need some time alone to sort of mull over everything that has happened this summer, figure out what I want, etc. However, that time is sort of built into my life; the majority of the reason for all these dates and seeing men is that it’s summer and I’m off for the summers, so I’m taking this time to live it up and enjoy my time off. Once September rolls around, I’m not going to be going out to the extremes that I am now. I’m simply enjoying my time off this moment. But, yes, I agree with you here, I do need alone time, for sure!
As for my issues with Adama, I don’t not want to get over him (wow, that was tough to type); I am, for the most part, over him. We were always long distance, so I always stayed very true to myself and independent. I’m not going to lie, there was once a time, long ago, when I was dependent on him for “fixing me” and “making it all okay,” but as J pointed out, this was also in response to me doing the same for him. For a long time we were sort of all each other had, and we had to help each other out, a lot. But, as I got older and we realized our selves more, I re-found my independence and stopped relying on him to be Mr. Fix-it. There’s no feelings to face with Adama, no closure to be had, nothing to clear up; we ended on a fantastic note, and we’re where we are supposed to be. Sure, I think when I started this blog I wasn’t fully over him, but that’s simply because I started it not long after we officially broke up. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to end things with him. Again, not going to lie here: it’s weird not being with him, yes. It’s weird to not be someone’s girlfriend, yes. But am I over him? Yes.
So, why then did I write “I’m afraid if I go a week without a date I’m going to fall apart” in last nights post? Well, my amazing readers caused me to stop and really consider this. So, thank you. I sat down and thought, am I truly going to fall apart or do I just think I’m going to? And here’s the honest answer: I am the type of person who anticipates the anticipation; I am afraid of falling apart, but I know, in my heart of hearts, that I’m not going to. It’s actually quite the opposite for me. I know I’m okay with it all; I don’t feel any remorse or regret about the breakup. In fact, sometimes I stop and think, “Wow, that was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.” And the decision has less to do with the actual Adama than with the idea of him; he wasn’t the one for me, and we both knew that. If I had stayed with him, it would have been playing the safe card, and I didn’t want that for my life. Again, I thank my readers for making me question myself and think. I’m stronger than I thought, and sometimes I forget that.
Now, as for the dependency issue, I’m not someone who is dependent on people for guidance, reassurance, etc. The idea of being dependent on someone was knocked out of me very early on in life; simply because I don’t trust many people. People leave, they change, their feelings change; and I learned early on in life that if you depend on someone (other than perhaps, a sister or very best friend!), you may very well get disappointed. If you told me tomorrow that I couldn’t go on a date for a year, I’d be totally okay with it. If you told me tomorrow I couldn’t have Tasti D Lite for a year, I’d be upset (should that be a concern?). But, again, your comments made me really stop and think, “Am I a dependent person and didn’t realize it?” But, my answer is no. Yes, at the beginning, when we broke up, I was substituting new men for Adama (who doesn’t do that, to some degree? It’s called a rebound for a reason!), but I can reassure you that now I am not. I’m having a great time (despite the depressive overtones to the last post). I enjoy going on dates, even though they can get frustrating, yes. I’m not addicted to dating, nor to men. And, believe me, I really thought about this today. While driving I thought, if I had to give it up today, would and could I? My inner voice screamed, “Uh, duh! You’d be totally fine!” And I know I would be.
So, thank you to my readers who care enough about Miss March to comment and question me. I truly appreciate it. Your comments stuck with me and made me think, consider, agree and disagree, and that is the true sign of growth. Thank you for helping me grow.
Now, while I’m not dependent on people (for the most part!), here’s a list of things Miss March is totally and utterly dependent on:
- Tasti D Lite: I can’t live without it. Talk about addictions, today I double checked that the girl behind the counter added peanuts to both top and bottom of the cup. She looked at me really funny.
- J: I am totally dependent on my sister. And I’m not afraid to say that.
- Splenda: I am a Splenda-holic, yes. The little yellow packets light up my day. Kidding.
- The Teachers Edition of my textbook: For a first year teacher, this thing is like God in binding.
- Music: I can’t go a whole day without listening to something I love; usually it’s Paul Simon’s Graceland.
- Treadmill: Every morning the treadmill and I have a hot date. It keeps me feeling good about myself!
- Cell Phone: I carry my phone everywhere with me. I panic if it’s not near me. Healthy, right? Ha.
- Tote bags: I. can’t. live. without. my. L.L. Bean. tote. bags. Enough said. Sturdy, strong, holds everything. I have one in every size and color. And I really do use them all!
- Bobby pins: With the new short haircut, I can’t live without at least one pin in my hair at all times.
- Sleepsound: I can’t sleep without any noise! Thank god for my noise machine; it really is my best friend.
Again, thank you for the awesome comments. Please keep reading and telling me what you think! 🙂
What have you been dependent on lately? Do tell!