Miss March on Doling and Taking

I often find myself giving out relationship advice at all hours of the day; with girl friends having different schedules, boy friends who ask odd questions, and a mom in the dating world, sometimes I find myself repeating the same speeches twice in the same day. I love it, don’t get me wrong. I find relationships fascinating and I want my friends to be happy, so I always enjoy a good advice giving session–but, rarely do I find myself taking much advice from people. I’m sort of an independent spirit, in that regard. I love my friends, and I listen to them, whole-heartily, when they try to help, but often my answers have to come within in order for me to listen 100% to them.

Which is why when I get or read advice from others that seem to work, and I believe in, I try to use it. For example, Gomez is the king of simple emotions for us kids. I remember when I was 16 and dating HSBF, I was all upset because I thought HSBF liked my friend and Gomez found me crying and gave me the advice, “He likes you, he’s allowed to have other friends, but he wouldn’t hurt you like that.” He was right; HSBF had no interest in her, I just wanted more attention. Just the other day while car shopping I was venting about how I really enjoy my time with ColoradoBoy, but since the MusicTeach debacle, I’m now worried that a guy will change completely and cut off all ties with me. Gomez, driving, said, “Do you like him?” I nodded. “Does he like you?” I nodded. “Then stop worrying and forget about it. He likes you. That’s great.” Simple, effective, clear. I’m trying to listen to it and I really did stop worrying about it…mostly. Ha.

I came across this blog post by Meghan from NonSociety and there was something about the advice she gives about dating post-break up, which really resonated with me. She says,

“My advice is to go on dates, but don’t get serious. You need to know that there are loads of men out there for the picking (when the time is right). But after a breakup, these guys are merely ‘Feel Goods’, guys to boost your ego and distract you from the pain. Do not rely on them for anything but distraction.”

I think this is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve read about jumping back into the dating world. She’s right on about the way we should approach it and the feelings we should “allow ourselves” to feel.

What’s the best advice you’ve gotten about dating? The worst? Do you find yourself giving out dating advice a lot?


6 responses to “Miss March on Doling and Taking

  1. I’m not sure how much I like her advice because you’re just using all these guys you go on dates with ‘to boost your ego and distract you from your pain’.

    These guys you go on dates with aren’t just objects. They have feelings. What if they find a connection to you but you end up blowing them off later on because you feel like it was just a Feel Good date. It would almost seem like you might become what you despise. You’d be playing the MusicTeach role while these other boys you use would be put in your shoes. Maybe MusicTeach used you as a rebound because he might have broken up with someone recently. I know you were hurt by MusicTeach but I also doubt you’d want to project that pain onto another living soul.

    I having nothing against dating other people after a break up, but maybe you should be sure that your intentions are clear with whoever you date. You don’t want to go around breaking hearts, do you?

  2. I disagree with the previous poster about it being wrong to date guys for an “ego boost” because it is using them and may break their heart. I agree that your intentions should always be fairly clear with whoever you are interacting with in whatever capacity, but that is just being a decent human being. Don’t accept a suitor’s invitation to make the relationship exclusive and say that you really want to settle down and have kids if that is not the case right now, but you also don’t have to sit down at the end of the second date and say NEWS FLASH: I DON’T LOVE YOU AND AM NOT GOING TO LOVE YOU ANYTIME SOON. Dating is for dating!!! Going out with a bunch of guys post break-up isn’t an ego boost to think to yourself “my, look how many guys I have smitten” because that would be gross. Dating around is an ego boost because after feeling like you had a special connection with someone who is now out of your life, it brings security to know that you will be able to connect with other people as well. That to me, is the ego boost, but maybe “ego boost” is the wrong word, but you find the security within yourself that you will fall in love again someday.

    I am also an independent spirit who always gives advice to my girls. Sometimes I get tired of everybody’s drama!!

  3. missmarchabouttown

    @Miss Havisham : I totally hear what you’re saying, and I always, always make my intentions clear! I never want to do to someone what MusicTeach did to me, that’s why I’m straight forward and so not a game-player. I like her advice because of the “don’t rely on these men for anything other than basically to go out with” aspect. We shouldn’t be relying on new men in our lives for anything, and sometimes I need to remind myself of that! 🙂 Thanks for commenting!

    @Kelly: I agree with you; like I said, I always make myself clear, and I have no intention of jumping into an exclusive relationship anytime soon. I really, really like what you said, “it brings security to know that you will be able to connect with other people as well.” In fact, the one positive thing I got out of the thing with MusicTeach was that I was ABLE to feel that high on life again about a boy…it didn’t end well, but the feelings were there, on my part, and showed me I could feel those things again after breaking up with the ex. Thanks for the comment! Keep checking back! 🙂

  4. dating is supposed to be fun. you are not necessarily searching for a soulmate every time you go on a date. I know Miss March makes her intentions clear, nobody coming out of a long-term relationship is looking to jump into another one immediately. There needs to be time for self-exploration and learning so the next relationship is free of the mistakes and tribulations of the last.

    If this is the way to obtain growth, then so be it. There are many many instances in which feelings are not mutual and to elucidate those feelings you must have A CONVERSATION.

  5. It’s Steph! I finally jumped on the blog bandwagon 🙂

    I agree to some extent with that quote in that it’s ok to keep dating ‘light’ (as long as intentions are clear), and you should not have to rely on a man to fulfill you in some deep and meaningful way. If we did every time we went out with someone, boy would we get hurt, over and over again. I only wish I could follow that advice. I find it a personal challenge to engage in casual dating. I just don’t know how to do it. I tried for a bit but it turned out I was just lying to myself when I said I did not want a relationship. And of course, got hurt.

    I really admire women who can put themselves out there and just have fun with no strings attached. Guys do it all the time, don’t they?

  6. I have a “Gomez”. 🙂
    I call him Mon.

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