CB told me last night that he’s going back to Colorado for a month. When he comes back, after that month, there’s a huge chance he’ll be joining the military and therefore, I won’t see him for a long, long, time.
I knew about the military stuff. He told me that right off that bat, when we first met. But, for some reason, as we were driving last night and he nonchalantly told me he’s staying in Colorado from Thanksgiving to New Years, I nearly burst into tears.
And now I still can’t stop crying.
I don’t get it.
I think he’s great.
I adore being with him.
We have an amazing time together.
He’s smart, calm, sweet, safe, and makes me happy.
But, I also know he’s not the man of my dreams. He’s not the person I’m supposed to end up with (I just know; I knew this about Admiral Adama too). In a way, by him leaving, it’s going to free up my world a little for other men; however, I’m really happy with this friendship CB and I have. It’s nice to have someone nearby to stop over and see, and hang out with. Yesterday we went bowling and acted like kids and had the time of our lives. We’re content to sit and watch TV and laugh, or go out and people watch, or discuss politics (he’s still unsure on who he’s voting for….eeks).
On paper, I can see why I’m crying, at least a little–but, what the hell is with this wave of sadness? When I met Admiral Adama I fell (granted, I was 19) head over heels for him. I knew I loved him (in the largest capacity I could love) right after we started dating. It was just this feeling that came over me; that gut feeling where you know you love someone. But, with CB, I have none of that. Maybe I’m just sad to lose one of the nicest friends I’ve made in a long time.
But, something tells me that there’s a deeper, bigger, issue here. I mean, he told me he was leaving for a month, and I said I was sad and would miss him and he said yeah, the same. We had a great rest of the night together, but right before I was set to leave, I nearly fell apart. I cried the whole way home. It’s not like he broke up with me! It’s not even like he’s leaving tomorrow. Why am I still crying?
I lay in bed for a long time this morning thinking about the “bigger issue” here. Do I miss my grandfather? Am I scared about my future? Am I scared of being lonely with no CB house to run to? Yes to all these. But, why the tears and sobbing last night? We’ve only been “hanging out” two and a half months!
And this could be part of the issue too: I know we’re friends, but I’m not really sure how exactly he feels about me. He’s a very calm, unemotional person. I know he cares about me. He sure enjoys being with me and kissing me; but, I want to know what’s going through his head. Sometimes we get nostalgic and cutesy and say we’re “dating” and talk about our “first date,” but most of the time we just say we’re friends and hanging out. It’s confusing, perhaps?
Readers, you’ve been following me a while now, reading about my life and such, so, in your opinion, what’s with all these tears? Is it simple enough that I care about a man and he’s leaving and that sucks or is there more to it?