Tag Archives: First Date

Miss March Says “Hey You”?

We call him Casey because he's the younger brother and looks somewhat like junior Mr. Affleck!

So, I can’t remember if we ever discussed Casey or not, but suddenly, he’s reemerged. Casey, named for Ben Affleck’s little brother, is the younger brother of my Uncle’s best friend. Casey is 29, has a great job, an interesting life, and was set up by my Uncle to go out with me on a “pity date” (which wasn’t really a pity date at all) in August this past summer. The funny thing about Casey is that our lives have had the same trajectory; we went to the same middle school, same high school, and lived in the same town our whole lives, but never met. I’m super tight with his older brother, my Uncle’s best bud, because my Uncle is only 10 years older than me and more like a big brother than an uncle.

Anyway, we went out on this great date in early August. We laughed, we got along, we clicked in a lot of ways. We were on the date so long (why do I have epic dates?) that we closed the restaurant down. He was impressed that I’m an entrepreneur, and I think he was impressed that although I’m a tad younger than he is, I could hold my own. Overall, I don’t think he expected to have such a good time. We facebook messaged a little after that; a few texts about meeting up, which never happened, and then the ball was dropped. I chocked it up to the fact that there was too much pressure if anything ever did happen with us; our families are close, it would be a huge deal if anything actually happened with us, and I’m sure he realized that too and that’s why he dropped the ball.

Well, last night, I’m getting ready to go out with CB, and all of the sudden I get a facebook message from Casey, “Hey you! How’s business?”

Well, it only took you three months to respond.

I gave it a day and responded with a usual “life’s good” response. Mentioned nothing of seeing him.

But, here’s my question, what’s with the “hey you”? I, personally, find, in general, that “hey you” is very intimate, slightly sexy. It’s like “hey, I’m cornering you out to say hello and thinking just of you.” “Hey you” is way different than just “hey.” “Hey” is so friendly and personable, but when you add the “you” to it it becomes more flirtatious and sexual; am I wrong here? What do we think of the “hey you” in general? Innocuous or flirtatious or what?

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Miss March’s Newest Revelations

So here’s the thing. I’m getting bored and slightly fed up with talking to men online. Talking to men that I meet from Dating Websites is like going on first dates, over and over and yes, over again. It’s the same talk: name, age, location, favorite music, favorite books, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy it, but I think I need a break from it all. It sort of takes the excitement out of the first date (this could be my fault, I do ask a lot of questions, but this is also a safety measure, in my mind, too). A lot of things could be playing into my recent boredom about this: my desire to not be at my computer lately, my busyness, the beautiful weather, my recent slew of dates, my doing school work during the day and not wanting to type a million hours at night. They’re definitely all factors into my getting annoyed with the internetboys. Don’t get me wrong on this point either: I’m not cutting the current internetties out of my life, I’m simply going to be much more discriminating on who I start talking to/let IM me.

That’s the other thing. I need to be more discriminating in the location of these men. In three weeks, when school starts, I won’t have time to go on the same amount of dates I am now, and I certainly won’t have time to travel far to meet these men. While I am aware that this limits my man-area, I think it’s probably for the best for me. Whenever I “meet” a guy online and he’s too far from me to really see, I tend to feel overly guilty and end up backing out of the friendship. Of course I want to meet these men, but dating them is sort of out of the question right now. I was actually reading some of the success stories on jdate.com, and many of them were about people from different cities who ended up talking online, meeting after a long time, and figured out that they were meant to be. I’m not against this happening, but I don’t think this is the time in my life for that.

Confession time: I’m a tad worried that if I don’t keep going at this dating thing full steam ahead I’m going to start missing Admiral Adama. While our friendship is great, and we talk everyday, and right now I-miss-him-but-not-at-the-same-time, I’m afraid if I go a week without a date I’m going to fall apart. Lame, right? I’ve become a date-a-holic, and while it’s fun, it’s also draining and emotionally exhausting. I love meeting new people, I love learning about their lives, I love going out; I hate the games, I hate the not-calling, I hate the time in-between. And, this has always been my problem. With both HSBF and Adama, I rushed things. We were saying ILY within two weeks of meeting. I know I need to grow some patience, slow down a bit, and relax. Everything will happen in due time. Hopefully having a full time job and dealing with people all day will slow me down a bit.

In other news, this is the longest Adama and I haven’t seen each other in almost four years. Weird.

Have you made any realizations about yourself (either in the dating world, or anything) recently?

Miss March Loves Paul Simon

It’s song lyric Saturday!

Before we get into today’s lyrics, however, let’s do a little upDate:

Went out with ColoradoBoy last night; he was very nervous and it was adorable. He has this amazing smile, so it was fun (and handsome!) when he finally calmed down and started laughing. We hung out at this bar in town for a while; when it became late, we walked to my car and he looked up at the sky and pointed out constellations (he’s a physics/astronomy person). It was really fun and romantic, but he hadn’t really been flirty when we were talking before the date, and while I did the normal hand-touching-arm flirt when I like someone, he hadn’t reciprocated any of the affection. We were standing there, looking up at the sky and he asked me my stance on kissing on the first date. I did my usual coy, hands-in-pockets, dance around it and he came and kissed me. It was extremely sweet. I asked him when he knew he wanted to kiss me and he said from the moment he saw me. He reminds me of SilverSpoon, but with less rough edges. Perhaps it’s the difference between men from Colorado and Texas. SilverSpoon had a certain game about him, there was a flirtatious push and pull; but, ColoradoBoy isn’t about games, he’s just out there, funny, sweet, and really, really silly. You don’t mess with silly. He’s going to Colorado next week for a week, so we’ll see how much we keep in touch, but it’s really nice to know there’s someone out there that isn’t pushy or plays games, they just like to laugh. You’d be surprised, but the more I date, the more it seems that those men are few and far between.

Anyway, today’s song lyrics are actually a lyric from one of my favorite songs, Paul Simon‘s Train In the Distance; the whole song is a love story about a man and woman, from the time he catches sight of her, to when they get together, to the demise of their love. The lyric I chose from this song is actually one of my favorite song lyrics ever,

“Two disappointed believers/Two people playing the game/Negotiations and love songs/Are often mistaken for one and the same.”

I mean, how much more beautiful and clear could he have said it? Negotiations and love songs ARE very often mistaken for one and the same. I’ve found myself in past relationships thinking this very question, is this a negotiation I’m making or am I doing this out of love? And, Paul is right, it is a game, life is a game, love is a game, but it depends on who the players are that either make the game exciting and fun, or loathsome and scary.

Did you go on any dates last night? What’s the song lyric that often resonates in your head?

Miss March on First Date Convos

Awesome new blazer! Not really date wear...but oh well.

Awesome new blazer! Not really date wear...but oh well.

Before we delve into today’s post topic, check out this awesome blazer I got while date-shopping yesterday. It was seven dollars at the discount store! While it’s not really something I’d wear on a date, I couldn’t pass it up.

Speaking of things not appropriate for first dates, I was thinking about my date tonight and what’s appropriate first date conversation. It seems as though almost everything is taboo to talk about these days; there’s always an off chance you’re going to offend someone, and we don’t want that happening on the very first date. First impressions are the most important aspect of the dating realm; the way you look, introduce yourself, the manner in which you relate, your manners, and the conversation you hold are all pieces of the puzzle which will either lead to another date or halt the process at the very beginning. Look at the classic case of bad first impressions: Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy (of Pride and Prejudice fame; it’s a whole novel about bad first impressions!). Because he snubs her and is actually quite cold to her, at their first meeting, she weaves a whole idea in her head that that’s what he’s really like. Their first impressions of each other are totally off; because Darcy was cold to Lizzy, Lizzy was cold right back to him and thus they had this tension-fueled relationship until Darcy proclaims his love for her. My point? Be mindful of first impressions and especially first date conversations.

So, what’s a modern day Elizabeth B. to talk about on a first date?

I’ve googled this a lot, as well as talked to a lot of friends about it (I’m into this early morning sociological research via instant message thing lately, eh?), and came to some conclusions. I’m not really nervous about conversation flowing tonight because we know a lot of people in common, ran in the same educational fields, etc. But, there’s definitely topics that are taboo on dates, and things which can easily be brought up and discussed.

Things to NOT discuss on a date:

  1. Health Issues: The other person doesn’t need to know about your diverticulitis, or your appendix coming out, or the history of diabetes in your family. Keep those things to yourself, and only yourself.
  2. Politics: The only caveat for this one is if you both hate the same person.
  3. Religion: Talking about religion seems to be long-winded, and usually exhausting for people. Save it for another time.
  4. Money: Talking about money on a date is not just classless, but boring! Who wants to talk about the green stuff, when there’s so much more you could talk about to stimulate an intellectual conversation?
  5. S-E-X: Don’t do it on the first date, and don’t talk about it on the first date. Awkward.
  6. Exes: You don’t want to hear about their exes, and guess what, they don’t want to hear, nor do they care to hear what your exes are up to now. If you’re talking about exes on the first date, it’s time to rethink the idea that you’re over your ex and ready to date.
  7. Pet Peeves: There’s nothing sexier than a woman or man saying ” I hate that,” or “I hate this.” Really positive and happy, love it.
  8. Marriage: I’m going to say it simply and listen well to me on this one. There’s no reason that anyone should be talking about marriage, babies, baby names, houses, or the like on a FIRST DATE. I heard someone say, the only “we” you should be talking about is the “Wii.” True story.

So, now that I’ve told you what NOT to talk about, what’s a gal left to discuss?

  1. Travel: Where you’ve been, where you want to go, where you don’t want to go are all great topics and ice breaking points for the first date. It gives some insight into who you are, where you want to be, and where your interests in life lie.
  2. Pets: People love talking about their pets; what pets did you have growing up, what pets do you want, or have now. It’s a great way to get people talking about something they are compassionate for and passionate about, without it being too marriage-family talk. Unless you’re like me and only like goldfish, which may mean I’m heartless, but I really do love goldfish.
  3. Movies: Movies are a great topic of conversation because it can go on and on for a long time. Discuss what you’ve seen, what they’ve seen, what you want to see, top favorite movies. It also can give you some look into whether he/she is a person about the horror, comedy, romantic, old movie, etc. (This goes for talking about music too, another great topic–concerts, favorite CDs, etc).
  4. Books: Books are a great topic to talk about…if the other person reads. I’ve been on dates where the guy said “I’m not into reading.” Well, I’m personally not into men who aren’t into reading. So, perhaps asking what they last read is a good idea for the first date because it gives insight into the person’s stance on books. Personally, I love everything about books and reading; to me, being with someone who reads is important, but not to everyone, of course. That’s cool too.
  5. Sports: Ehhh, I was hesitant to put sports on this list simply because I don’t know anything about sports and I find them boring. But, having a guy teach you about sports is a great way for him to open up and feel strong and powerful. And, if you’re not like me and can actually discuss the fact that 1-love is not from soccer, but from tennis, than props to you and this is a great first date topic.
  6. College: People loooove talking about their schools. Unless, they hated them. In which case they loooove to talk about how they hated them. Ask about their college, why they chose it, what they liked about it, what interesting classes they took. It’s a good way to get to hear snippets of one’s past.
  7. Brothers&Sisters: I already know my date’s brother because he sort of had a hand in setting us up, but normally, I love asking about siblings. It lets me know the person’s feelings about their family, or family in general, and if they’re anything like me, and totally and utterly proud of their siblings, they enjoy talking about them (granted, if they hate their siblings, this is a no-no topic of conversation, but you wouldn’t necessarily know that unless you ask first).
  8. Food: Is a great thing to talk about because if you’re on a dinner date, you’re eating it, too! Favorite foods, interesting foods, restaurants you’ve been too, are all fantastic ice-breaking topics of conversation.

I hoped that gave you some insight into good topics of conversation, I know it certainly helped me get a little less nervous about tonight. Still don’t have anything to wear. Damnit.

What have you talked about on first dates? What do you think people shouldn’t talk about on first dates?

Miss March on Who Pays?

So, I’m going on this date tomorrow and it got me thinking about the awkward moments on dates. Dates, especially first dates, are potential hot beds for ripe awkwardness; there’s just so many Murphy’s Law moments that could go wrong. Someone could spill something, you could get food in your teeth, you could slip, he could fall, it’s never ending. But, I think one of the most built-in awkward moments is reaching for the check. The simple act of reaching for the check seems to be full of historical, sociological, anthropological, feminist, and financial deeper meanings.

Who is supposed to pay for the dinner on a first date?

Personally, I think the man is supposed to pay; it’s traditional, it’s gentlemanly, and back to my anthropology, it shows he can “provide.” So, he picks up the check? Great. But, what do I do? Sit there and look pretty? Do I attempt to reach for the check? This may have an effect on his feelings of masculinity; “what, she doesn’t think I can afford to take her to dinner?” Some people say that every little thing on a date is a test in hiding; paying for the dinner is the ultimate test. If I offer to pay half it may also be a slap in the face to him, and sort of undercut the idea that it’s a “date.” But, I’d feel awkward, and slightly stupid, if I don’t offer to pay for something. Perhaps I’ll offer to pay the tip? Or for coffee afterwards?

Due to my confusion on this date-tiquette, I used my trusted friend Google and came across AskMen.com; while I’m not a huge fan of this website, for the most part, because they say some really chauvinist things sometimes (like their article on why virgins need help because they don’t know what they’re doing in the bedroom), I happened to actually like their stance on this first date conundrum:

Pass the first-date test: Go for compromise. Let her know that you’d love to treat her to dinner and make sure you pay, but joke that she can pay the next time the two of you go out. This makes it even — hypothetically. You can even make cheesy jokes about why you want to pay (think “the pleasure of your company is contribution enough” or something along those lines).”

I think that’s the best answer I’ve read. It combines paying for the date, without making her feel useless; flirting with her, and potentially, if you want, making her feel like there’s another date coming, and making her feel special. I’m a pretty low-maintenance woman (unless, I’m actually high-maintenance and I just think I’m low-maintenance, like Sally Albright), but the most important thing for me is that he gets that I’m not about the money thing, I’m down to earth, and just want to meet him and have a good time. I don’t want him to think “Oh, she’s just sitting there and didn’t offer to pay for dinner…” But, on the otherhand, hopefully a good guy wouldn’t think that.

I posed the “who pays” question to some of our Boys on the Stoop; Adama answered, “The man. I think there’s definitely some play in that, but I have to believe that culturally, across the country, the norm is still that the man pays for meal.” ColoradoBoy agreed with Adama. Interestingly enough though, my neighborhood friend A said, “The person who asks? Or you go dutch; I’m not very traditional with that.” While my sociological survey consists of a whopping three people, it’s still interesting to see that the woman I asked thought people should split the check, while the two men said that the man should pay.

Some other answers I got that were interesting (I love conducting sociological surveys through instant messenger early in the morning…how profesh of me):

“It depends somewhat on the circumstances; if it was me, i would usually offer to pay, but i think these things are somewhat less important now then they used to be. i kind of feel like some of the social traditions are somewhat outdated, now that doesn’t mean that i don’t follow them.” (From a male friend, 23, single)

I think single male friend is wrong; they are not any less important, but it is being discussed and analyzed more, so therefore, also suppressed and repressed more. We’re not supposed to discuss money or paying for things, but it’s still an issue on dates.

I enjoyed T’s answer, “i think there should be an appropriate amount of squabble and whoever puts up the best fight wins.” Sort of what AskMen.com said, but the man should win that battle. See, it doesn’t just take arm’s length to pick up a check, but wits and humor, too! You need to be quick on one’s feet to play the game of the dinner-paying-duel.

When asked, “Who pays for dinner on the first date?” male friend, 21, in a relationship responded “Since when has that been in question?” Nice answer, I dig it.

So, readers, what do YOU think, not only who should pay on the first date, but how should the mini-battle go down? What “fight” (God, this is so lady trapped in a castle, “save me, save me, no don’t save me, save me!”) should I put up in order to look willing to pay?

Have you ever had an awkward dinner-paying experience? Share!

Miss March on a Womb With a View?

As you all know, I’m reading this outstanding book Anatomy Of Love; every chapter is fascinating. Right now, I’m on the section on adultery. Dr. Fisher talks a lot about how in many cultures men were the ones that were able to copulate with many women, but women were limited in their affairs. From an anthropological standpoint, this makes sense. Men are/were literally spreading their seed everywhere (and with the higher infant mortality rates of older times, they needed to have a lot of offspring in order to just have a few living offspring) whereas when a woman becomes impregnated she has to carry the baby for nine months, thus for nine months she is only carrying one offspring and is inhibited from the ability to procreate more during that time. A man could impregnate thousands of women in the time that one woman is pregnant with one child. Get my point? Anyway, she has this line which really got me thinking,

“A woman’s worth was measured in two ways: her ability to increase her husband’s property […] and her womb’s capacity to nurture her husband’s seed” (80).

We often forget how primal we, human beings, still are. Of course men used to look for women with good “child bearing hips” who were healthy, with some meat on their bones and color in their skin. They didn’t want a) their wife to die bearing this child and b) the offspring to not have a strong womb to grow in. So, what’s changed? Many men, if not all the men I know, want children. Healthy, smart, strong children. Do the men I know look for someone who will bear them these healthy children? My answer is yes. Even if they don’t realize it, subconsciously, the inner-caveman in them is asking all the questions that the real cavemen did: Will she be strong enough to bear these children? Does she have good features to pass on? Will she die in childbirth?

How do I know they’re thinking these things? Because they say so. Not in so many words, however. I’m not lying when I say that every guy I’ve been out on a date/dated in the last few years has mentioned childbirth, babies, baby names, and me being pregnant on one, if not the first, date. No, I’m not kidding. Admiral Adama and I used to discuss it because we were in a long term relationship and at times we did wonder if we were destined to procreate; okay, that’s not so weird. When someone has rubbed your stomach while you’re dying with cramps, talking about pregnancy isn’t so odd. Fine. But what about the last two guys I’ve been on a date with? MedBoy asked me how many kids I want, asked if I thought divorce was genetic (uh, what?), and what sort of names I liked. Baby names on the first date? Who does that? Oh wait, MusicTeach! They BOTH did it. Not only did MusicTeach ask me all about what sort of family I wanted, baby names, how I want to raise my kids, etc. And then he said the thing which, ironically, a lot of guys have said to me: “You’re so small, how are you going to carry a baby?!”

That’s right. I’m 5′ and for some reason, just like people think it’s okay to touch a preggo woman’s stomach, they think it’s okay to ask me how I’m going to carry a child. Uh, I don’t know? The same way every-woman does? In her womb? Why is this an acceptable thing to discuss on a first date? Well, I don’t think it is. I’d like to keep my womb to myself for the first few dates, thank you very much. But, like I said, the primal part of the man is thinking about his survival, his heirs and offspring, and so he’s looking for someone who can aid him in his familial survival. Men are fascinated by this. It’s happened about four times in my life. They stand back, look at me, and say “But you’re so tiny! How are you going to carry a baby for nine months?” They shake their heads, I look astonished that they would say it, and we continue on our way. This is not normal first date behavior…for humans. But, for animals, I guess it is. Animals are on the look out for someone to procreate with; what makes us different than animals?

I do this too, in my own way. Having children is my dream, so whenever I meet a man I tend to look at him and think “Would he stick it out for nine months and more with me?” (Well, not whenever I meet a man; take for example, the guys I used to make out with in college, those men I did not wonder about.) I wonder if he would provide for me and my offspring, whether his “genetic stock” is good, etc. We all do it, but we don’t talk about it. Perhaps men are looking less for the perfect woman than they are the perfect womb-an?

Have you ever had a man make a comment about you bearing children?

Miss March on Little Piggies

It’s official. I was “We-ed.”

That term comes from Sex and the City; I’d prefer to use the term duped, or perhaps emotionally teased or emotionally led on. I think I like Emotionally Teased best. That’s what he was: an emotional tease.

That’s right: MusicTeach. He we-ed me in the restaurant (“We should go to my art studio!”); he we-ed me in the park (“If We ever get married…” Yes, he really did that say on date one. I thought it was romantic. Perhaps that’s my mistake); he we-ed me in the car (“What if We had never met?”); he we-ed me at the next dinner (“We can cook next time…”). The list is never ending. When I say that he was Mr. Pretty Much Perfect, I mean it. At least on dates he was. He bought me a book, brought me artwork, music, played music for me, opened every door, paid for everything. And then it all stopped on the way home from date #2.

Something in his head must have snapped. Perhaps he was overwhelmed, or confused, or scared. He hasn’t called for a week. He did text to tell me about his accident (sports related); but, after that, when I tried to be nice and see how he was doing with a quick “How’s the head” text (every couple of days) he gave me one word answers. He never told me anything like “I had a great time with you,” or “It sucks that I’m laying low because I would have liked to spend time with you.” Nothing at all flirtatious or sweet or kind or even about me. Nothing.

And the thing is, I don’t think he set out to “we” and not “woo” me. I think that he had every intention of pursuing this (he said a few times, “this seems like the beginning of something great”). I think he simply got overwhelmed. But, here’s the thing. He’s 5 years older than me. He sort of should know his mind by now (at least to some degree). Who knows though, maybe he’s more messed up than the average fellow. Or maybe he’s going through something right now (that seemed to be the consensus with my friends). Either way, I’m done. I can’t keep waiting for him to come back as the person he was on our dates (and that first night on the phone) because something went amiss in his head and he decided to cut me out.

The whole thing makes me nauseous and mad. But, there’s nothing I can do about it. It taught me to watch my heart a little closer, perhaps put some walls up that I needed to put up, and don’t ever trust a man when he “we’s” instead of “Woos” me. There should be no “we-ing” on the first few dates because the man says it, puts it out there, and then scares himself and he retreats. I mean, that’s the funny thing about this whole MusicTeach mess; I watched myself very carefully to make sure I wasn’t the one coming on too strong; he was the one with the big plans, and the talk about marriage and asking me my favorite baby names. HIM, not me. He not only we-ed me, but he we-ed himself, and now he can wee wee wee all the way home, alone.

Have you ever been We-ed while being Wooed?