Miss March: T Writes from the Battlelines!

Hey all, special treat today! T‘s been online dating and I’ve asked her to share here with us, her first experience meeting a man she met online. I’ll be back in the next few days! Thanks T!

I have a confession.

Well, I guess, a couple. The first is that I am currently watching the My Super Sweet Sixteen Movie. Don’t judge me!  The second is much bigger, and only a few of my closest friends know.

I am a registered user on not just one, but two online dating sites. I have a profile on each. After getting my heart broken about a year and a half ago, dating a really great guy for about 4 months somewhere in there (who unfortunately could never be more than a rebound, though I did care for him very much and wish him all the best), this is the first time I’m really coming to terms with the idea that I am actually, finally ready for a relationship.  However I work in a creative field a little bit void of straight men, and thus… dating sites. Which I swore I would never do, after a jarring experience last September.

From this, I met TheLawyer.  He is the only one I have had a date with so far. Let me tell you a tale… gather ’round, friends of Miss March.

If you ask any of my friends, they will tell you – while laughing – that I have a type. I like them maybe a few pounds overweight (negotiable), glasses, a big smile, bearded/stubbled (which is funny because I hate facial hair typically, however every man I’ve loved has had it!), and an intellectual.  So when Lawyer messaged me, it seemed like a hit. He was funny, a bit of a geek about music, older, glasses, stubbled, and smart. A slightly bearded bespectacled intellectual. After exchanging some e-mails and a few flirty gchats, I happily agreed to meet him for a drik after work on Wednesday.

It started off well enough – he set the place for where we’d meet.  In my group, I am typically the one making arrangements, so it felt great to take a break from it. I met up with him, and on a purely (and ashamedly) superficial level – he’s so short. My height. And I’m little. The place he found was totally packed, so we crossed the street to a sort of more upscale place. He was impossible to talk to in person, I felt like I had to pull the conversation out of him. However, I eventually got him started on a topic he was interested in – the neighborhoods of Brooklyn. Or, more specifically, the transportation benefits of the various neighborhoods in Brooklyn. He listed every bus and subway that goes to Brooklyn Heights, and making sure to mention that was where he lived with his ex girlfriend… and he knew how long ago they had broken up to the day. Literally. He was very condescending about the fact that I was younger than him, and when I tried to talk about economic policy with him, he dismissed my ideas because I was young. He finished by telling me that he’s been on the Atkins diet for deveral years (despite that he’s very thin) and proceeded to give me tips for how to do it myself.

So, he turned out to kind of be an asshole. I’ve been talking to a couple other guys, and hopefully my dates with them will be more promising. However, as my first real attempt back out there, newly healed heart and mind… it was a little jarring. Will they all be so surly?? Please say no!

Miss March is a Country Mouse

He's a City mouse, and I'm a Country mouse! What are these mice to do?!

So, a few posts back I quoted a friend of mine who said, “As far as I’m concerned, dating a guy in The City is like dating a guy in another country.”

She doesn’t mean that the people are different, or the dialect is hard to get used to, she means that it’s physically hard to see a man when they live in The City and you in the the country. First of all, I work a lot; if I’m not teaching, I’m grading papers, emailing parents, working on final grades. Second of all, to go into The City is close to twenty bucks round trip; I don’t really have the money to pop in-and-out at my leisure.

The Prep has been begging me to come into The City to see him. I keep telling him that I would, if I could, but he caught me at a really busy time in my life. I just started a new job, I have all these “rookie-teacher” responsibilities; I don’t have time on the weeknights to go see him, and recently, even my weekends are full of school stuff.

Sure, I like him. But, this is becoming sort of aggravating. We’re talking online and he tells me he asked a bunch of friends about “our situation”–his family (um, yes, we went on one date and he asked his family about me…) told him to court me (like that answer!); but he said, of one of his friend’s answers, “she doesn’t really think you want to see me because if you did, you would have.” I was really pissed when I read that. I made it very clear that a) I’m not looking for a serious relationship, but just to meet people; b) I’m busy; and c) that I do like him! I email him every morning, we text all day, I send him funny little quotes from school…it’s not like I’m ignoring him, or anything close to it.

Furthermore, it’s getting on my nerves that every time we talk he asks when I’m “coming in.” How about just let it lie for a few minutes and then let’s see what my plans are. Or better yet…how about you come visit ME?! What a novel and revolutionary idea!

I find myself reassuring him that I like him more and more, while he’s wondering why I can’t just come see him, all the while I’m getting more fed up. The more he asks, the more I don’t want to see him. It just makes it a bigger and bigger deal each time he asks. I feel bad, guilty, and sorry for something I didn’t even do!

I just found it odd that he asked people about what to do…the answer is pretty clear: you come visit me, if I won’t visit you. It’s the writing on the wall that must be covered by graffiti in that big City of his! Ha.

Miss March Doesn’t Confront the Past (and is okay with that!)

So, it finally happened.

Last night CB and I went to see Religulous (which was awesome, by the way). We had a lot of time to kill, so we sat outside (the smell of Fall was just in the air!) the indie movie theater and talked about life for a while.  We were watching people walk by when all of the sudden I had this weird premonition. If you know me, you know that I tend to get flashes of premonitions once in a while and then all of the sudden the thing will happen.

Well, sure enough. Out of the corner of my eye I see this tan baseball cap. I look at the face and my stomach dropped.

“Um, that may or may not be the guy who screwed me over this summer,” I whispered to CB.

He asked if I wanted to go inside and see if it was him, but I really didn’t. I was super confused. All I wanted to do all summer was confront him (especially if he was with another girl, which he was), but now I couldn’t even recognize his face. Was it him? Was it not him? We walked into the lobby and I sort of followed him into the snack area. It felt good knowing that CB was just a few feet behind me. I walked over to the snack counter and tried to get a closer view of his face. When he turned around, I knew.

Well, if it isn’t good old, MusicTeach.

I looked back to CB (and side note: did I feel bad watching this guy on my “date” with CB? A little. Did CB understand my need to do it? Completely. Hence, he’s my friend first) and he waved me on.

What would I say? Go up to him and be like, “Hey asshole?” I still wasn’t even 100% sure it was him. What was wrong with me that I couldn’t remember it was him? However, as they say in Pushing Daisies (love it!), The facts were these: wearing the same baseball cap, same body type, same brooding eyes, hair color…and earlier in the night I thought I had seen his car in town, but had blocked it from my memory. The only thing which didn’t match up for me was his nose, but he had a weird nose anyway (and according to the “account” from him, he messed up his nose in that “biking accident” he had; the accident which supposedly scarred him…did I see any scars? Yeah, no).

I sat down next to CB and MusicTeach walked right by; he looked me right in the eye and showed no sign of recognition. Yes, my hair was up, and he never saw it that way, and yes, I was wearing a fleece and jeans, and he only saw me in shorts and dresses…um, but, no sign in his eyes? Maybe my readers were right (see comment: “something is just off about this music teacher guy. i would stay away”…to which I didn’t really listen) and there was something seriously off about him. He was with a blond girl. I called J and she gave the same response CB gave: go throw something in his face. Ha, I wish. However, looking back in retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t say or do anything; who knows what his reaction may have been.

Also, I’m glad I didn’t go up to him and say the wrong thing; or get nervous and look like a fool. I was actually pretty calm about the whole thing. It was funny, too, because I sent out a mass text to J, T, and A about it, and also sent it to Admiral Adama. He was the first to respond, and he asked if I was okay and was CB with me. It was a really nice text to get from him. Yes, this whole debacle was on my mind the whole night. I knew it was going to happen. I just knew it. I had that feeling.

Anyway, he looked crappy, and I was with a bigger, more handsome, and masculine man. Plus, I looked all adult in my teacher clothes. He looked like a bum. Not for nothing, but that sort of brings a smirk to my face. I wonder if he recognized me at all. Or if he went home and thought, “I know her from somewhere…” (uh yeah, Musicteach, you spent over $300 on dinner for me…and a book…and cds…).

One of the reasons I love this blog is because while writing this entry, I was looking back on my old posts about MusicTeach. Boy, was I in denial about that. He was a jerk. However, I was duped. He really led me on (you don’t talk to someone from midnight to 8am on the phone about your life and then pretend it never happened, right?) in many ways. He also made me feel like an idiot, and screwed up my trust in other men. Bravo, MusicTeach.

All in all, one of the weirdest nights, ever.

Did anyone else have a weird night? I’m going to go read my horoscope and see if it says anything about this weird energy!

Miss March Does Date Night: Preppy Style

The Non-Iron oxford from Brooks Brothers: a staple in the Prep's wardrobe.

Major Thursday shout out to Ryan from Single-ish! He linked me up on today’s post about talking about sex with men. Thanks Ryan! (and if you ever want to go out for a drink…you know where to find me, not wearing my polka-dotted dress.

Well, it’s daaaaaaaaaate night. Yep, tonight is date night with The Prep. We’ve talked either through text/IM/phone every day since we were set-up. I work with his cousin, and she was super excited for us to meet. He seems to be nice, yet semi-odd, but aren’t they all? Take for example, this conversation we had online last night (oh, how this generation dates is just so weird):

Me: Well, I made myself oatmeal cookies tonight. Healthy ones.

Him: I love u

Me: Huh?

Him: ur just so cute.

Wow, I’ve heard of saying I love you on the first date, but dropping the ILY pre-date? Balls, man. See, that’s where he can get weird: on the internet. He just puts on this fifteen year old boy persona and I have a feeling (let’s cross our fingers) that that’s not really what he’s like.

He’s coming out from The City to see me/visit his parents. We’re meeting up really late (okay, 10PM has been late for me since school started) for coffee or something. I’m not sure what to wear; the mother figure suggested a black polo with the collar popped, pink khakis and a Vera Bradly belt. Oh so preppy on my part.

Damnit, it just started raining. I’ll let you know how it goes with The Prep. Anyone else got dates tonight? Do tell!

Thanks again, Ryan!

Miss March May be Crazy

The amazing and incomparable Stevie Wonder once sang, “When you believe in things that you don’t understand then you suffer, superstition ain’t the way.” I’m a pretty superstitious person, when it really comes down to it. I remember the day my grandfather passed away, I was getting dressed to go to the hospital and I thought to myself, “Welp, whatever outfit I put on this second I can never wear again because something bad may happen.” Call me crazy, I’m sure, but doesn’t everyone have certain “lucky socks” or “lucky underwear” that they wear when they need the extra vote of confidence? I know that I have my amazing plaid shirt; I don’t know if it’s lucky or not, but it makes me feel beautiful, which in turn gives me confidence, which therefore helps do the things which I want to do–and perhaps get a positive outcome. Luck or confidence booster? Both?

This puppy has her own black and white polka dotted dress for dates!

And then it’s the other way around. There’s the clothes which, like the outfit I wore to see my grandfather, I can never wear happily again. Thus the story of the polka-dotted dress which is now forever ruined in my mind and is a total shame because I love it. Why is it totally ruined in my mind? I wore it on the last date with MusicTeach. It’s the dress that lay in the park with him and went out for seafood; and now in my mind, it’s the dress that came with the end of something (yes, and the beginning of other things too, I’m not that pessimistic!). It’s such a shame that I relate the dress back to him; it’s this amazing soft jersey black and white polka dotted Gap dress which fits me perfectly. I’ve washed it since him, sure, but I can’t get the mental stain to wash away.

Why am I harping on this now? Because I really want something cute to wear next time I go out with ColoradoBoy and that dress would be perfect…yet, I can’t stop thinking that if I wear the dress it’s going to end up being our last date. How sick is that? It’s okay, I know it’s crazy. But, I can’t seem to put the dress on. I’ll wear it to school, or you know, a family party, but definitely not on dates. It’s now become a non-date dress, instead of a perfect date dress.

Do you get weird about certain clothing in your life?

PS. I ended up making salsa burgers with sweet potato fries! So delicious!

Miss March Needs Your Help In The Kitchen!

Okay my amazing readers, Miss March needs YOUR help!

The other day when I was out with ColoradoBoy I sort of was talking outloud to myself (it was early in the morning, I can’t possibly be held accountable for the things I say before 9am!) and said, “Oh, you could come over sometime.” To which he said, “Invite me sometime.”

And so I did. For tomorrow night. For dinner.

Not only did/do I have to clean the house like a mad-woman, but I don’t have a single second to stop and think about having someone over. The mother-unit suggested I move the dinner to another night, but I don’t want to move a dinner just because I’ll be working all day. Life is life, right? I’ll come home from school, finish cleaning, food shop, and start dinner/get ready all in three hours. Can I do it? We’ll see.

This is where I need YOUR help!

What the hell is Miss March going to make for dinner?

Here’s the facts: he’s not a picky eater, but he is a healthy eater, like I am. I want something for the main course (meat), a fun vegetable, and something low key for another side. I’m a good cook, I know how to whip up a meal; unfortunately my head isn’t on food right now and my imagination for meal planning has gone out the window.

Since I’ll be out all day, please leave links, ideas, recipes, and HELP here for me to check when I get back from school. I’m sure you all have great ideas for easy meals for dates–share them, please!

I thank you in advance for bringing my stress level down two notches.

Miss March on Doling and Taking

I often find myself giving out relationship advice at all hours of the day; with girl friends having different schedules, boy friends who ask odd questions, and a mom in the dating world, sometimes I find myself repeating the same speeches twice in the same day. I love it, don’t get me wrong. I find relationships fascinating and I want my friends to be happy, so I always enjoy a good advice giving session–but, rarely do I find myself taking much advice from people. I’m sort of an independent spirit, in that regard. I love my friends, and I listen to them, whole-heartily, when they try to help, but often my answers have to come within in order for me to listen 100% to them.

Which is why when I get or read advice from others that seem to work, and I believe in, I try to use it. For example, Gomez is the king of simple emotions for us kids. I remember when I was 16 and dating HSBF, I was all upset because I thought HSBF liked my friend and Gomez found me crying and gave me the advice, “He likes you, he’s allowed to have other friends, but he wouldn’t hurt you like that.” He was right; HSBF had no interest in her, I just wanted more attention. Just the other day while car shopping I was venting about how I really enjoy my time with ColoradoBoy, but since the MusicTeach debacle, I’m now worried that a guy will change completely and cut off all ties with me. Gomez, driving, said, “Do you like him?” I nodded. “Does he like you?” I nodded. “Then stop worrying and forget about it. He likes you. That’s great.” Simple, effective, clear. I’m trying to listen to it and I really did stop worrying about it…mostly. Ha.

I came across this blog post by Meghan from NonSociety and there was something about the advice she gives about dating post-break up, which really resonated with me. She says,

“My advice is to go on dates, but don’t get serious. You need to know that there are loads of men out there for the picking (when the time is right). But after a breakup, these guys are merely ‘Feel Goods’, guys to boost your ego and distract you from the pain. Do not rely on them for anything but distraction.”

I think this is one of the best pieces of advice I’ve read about jumping back into the dating world. She’s right on about the way we should approach it and the feelings we should “allow ourselves” to feel.

What’s the best advice you’ve gotten about dating? The worst? Do you find yourself giving out dating advice a lot?

Miss March: From the Mouths of Babes

So, yesterday I was hanging out with my aunt and my two cousins; Princess is 5 and Prince is almost 7. I was sitting in the front seat of the car, turned around, facing them, and they were eating chips and drinking iced tea while we waited for my aunt to run into some shops. Prince looks at me and says, “You staying for dinner tonight?” I shrugged my shoulders. “You got a date?” he shot his big brown eyes at me and held the chip at his lips, waiting for an answer. I laughed and said no. Princess poked her head from behind the seat and said in her most serious little Princess voice, “What about a playdate?” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. Prince turned to Princess and said, “Uh, hello Princess, when you’re our age, it’s a playdate and when you’re Miss March’s age, it’s a date. Get it right!” At this point I was laughing so hard that there were tears in my eyes.

I guess he’s sort of right. Dating is like going on playdates. We meet at a mutual place, we have food, and an activitiy planned for us. If one of us doesn’t behave, our mother’s are called. It sounds like a playdate to me.

What funny things have the kids in your life said about dating?

Miss March Loves Paul Simon

It’s song lyric Saturday!

Before we get into today’s lyrics, however, let’s do a little upDate:

Went out with ColoradoBoy last night; he was very nervous and it was adorable. He has this amazing smile, so it was fun (and handsome!) when he finally calmed down and started laughing. We hung out at this bar in town for a while; when it became late, we walked to my car and he looked up at the sky and pointed out constellations (he’s a physics/astronomy person). It was really fun and romantic, but he hadn’t really been flirty when we were talking before the date, and while I did the normal hand-touching-arm flirt when I like someone, he hadn’t reciprocated any of the affection. We were standing there, looking up at the sky and he asked me my stance on kissing on the first date. I did my usual coy, hands-in-pockets, dance around it and he came and kissed me. It was extremely sweet. I asked him when he knew he wanted to kiss me and he said from the moment he saw me. He reminds me of SilverSpoon, but with less rough edges. Perhaps it’s the difference between men from Colorado and Texas. SilverSpoon had a certain game about him, there was a flirtatious push and pull; but, ColoradoBoy isn’t about games, he’s just out there, funny, sweet, and really, really silly. You don’t mess with silly. He’s going to Colorado next week for a week, so we’ll see how much we keep in touch, but it’s really nice to know there’s someone out there that isn’t pushy or plays games, they just like to laugh. You’d be surprised, but the more I date, the more it seems that those men are few and far between.

Anyway, today’s song lyrics are actually a lyric from one of my favorite songs, Paul Simon‘s Train In the Distance; the whole song is a love story about a man and woman, from the time he catches sight of her, to when they get together, to the demise of their love. The lyric I chose from this song is actually one of my favorite song lyrics ever,

“Two disappointed believers/Two people playing the game/Negotiations and love songs/Are often mistaken for one and the same.”

I mean, how much more beautiful and clear could he have said it? Negotiations and love songs ARE very often mistaken for one and the same. I’ve found myself in past relationships thinking this very question, is this a negotiation I’m making or am I doing this out of love? And, Paul is right, it is a game, life is a game, love is a game, but it depends on who the players are that either make the game exciting and fun, or loathsome and scary.

Did you go on any dates last night? What’s the song lyric that often resonates in your head?

Miss March on Who Pays?

So, I’m going on this date tomorrow and it got me thinking about the awkward moments on dates. Dates, especially first dates, are potential hot beds for ripe awkwardness; there’s just so many Murphy’s Law moments that could go wrong. Someone could spill something, you could get food in your teeth, you could slip, he could fall, it’s never ending. But, I think one of the most built-in awkward moments is reaching for the check. The simple act of reaching for the check seems to be full of historical, sociological, anthropological, feminist, and financial deeper meanings.

Who is supposed to pay for the dinner on a first date?

Personally, I think the man is supposed to pay; it’s traditional, it’s gentlemanly, and back to my anthropology, it shows he can “provide.” So, he picks up the check? Great. But, what do I do? Sit there and look pretty? Do I attempt to reach for the check? This may have an effect on his feelings of masculinity; “what, she doesn’t think I can afford to take her to dinner?” Some people say that every little thing on a date is a test in hiding; paying for the dinner is the ultimate test. If I offer to pay half it may also be a slap in the face to him, and sort of undercut the idea that it’s a “date.” But, I’d feel awkward, and slightly stupid, if I don’t offer to pay for something. Perhaps I’ll offer to pay the tip? Or for coffee afterwards?

Due to my confusion on this date-tiquette, I used my trusted friend Google and came across AskMen.com; while I’m not a huge fan of this website, for the most part, because they say some really chauvinist things sometimes (like their article on why virgins need help because they don’t know what they’re doing in the bedroom), I happened to actually like their stance on this first date conundrum:

“ Pass the first-date test: Go for compromise. Let her know that you’d love to treat her to dinner and make sure you pay, but joke that she can pay the next time the two of you go out. This makes it even — hypothetically. You can even make cheesy jokes about why you want to pay (think “the pleasure of your company is contribution enough” or something along those lines).”

I think that’s the best answer I’ve read. It combines paying for the date, without making her feel useless; flirting with her, and potentially, if you want, making her feel like there’s another date coming, and making her feel special. I’m a pretty low-maintenance woman (unless, I’m actually high-maintenance and I just think I’m low-maintenance, like Sally Albright), but the most important thing for me is that he gets that I’m not about the money thing, I’m down to earth, and just want to meet him and have a good time. I don’t want him to think “Oh, she’s just sitting there and didn’t offer to pay for dinner…” But, on the otherhand, hopefully a good guy wouldn’t think that.

I posed the “who pays” question to some of our Boys on the Stoop; Adama answered, “The man. I think there’s definitely some play in that, but I have to believe that culturally, across the country, the norm is still that the man pays for meal.” ColoradoBoy agreed with Adama. Interestingly enough though, my neighborhood friend A said, “The person who asks? Or you go dutch; I’m not very traditional with that.” While my sociological survey consists of a whopping three people, it’s still interesting to see that the woman I asked thought people should split the check, while the two men said that the man should pay.

Some other answers I got that were interesting (I love conducting sociological surveys through instant messenger early in the morning…how profesh of me):

“It depends somewhat on the circumstances; if it was me, i would usually offer to pay, but i think these things are somewhat less important now then they used to be. i kind of feel like some of the social traditions are somewhat outdated, now that doesn’t mean that i don’t follow them.” (From a male friend, 23, single)

I think single male friend is wrong; they are not any less important, but it is being discussed and analyzed more, so therefore, also suppressed and repressed more. We’re not supposed to discuss money or paying for things, but it’s still an issue on dates.

I enjoyed T’s answer, “i think there should be an appropriate amount of squabble and whoever puts up the best fight wins.” Sort of what AskMen.com said, but the man should win that battle. See, it doesn’t just take arm’s length to pick up a check, but wits and humor, too! You need to be quick on one’s feet to play the game of the dinner-paying-duel.

When asked, “Who pays for dinner on the first date?” male friend, 21, in a relationship responded “Since when has that been in question?” Nice answer, I dig it.

So, readers, what do YOU think, not only who should pay on the first date, but how should the mini-battle go down? What “fight” (God, this is so lady trapped in a castle, “save me, save me, no don’t save me, save me!”) should I put up in order to look willing to pay?

Have you ever had an awkward dinner-paying experience? Share!